A sometimes serious, sometimes tongue-in-cheek look at work, life, dieting, losing weight, getting in shape, getting bent out of shape and getting over it with a dose of humor.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Epiphany

I survived 3 days with family and my first day back at work and only escaped with minor scathes to my ego, a .7 lb gain and 1 giant pimple. Seriously, what is going on with my face? It's not flawless but it doesn't usually look like that of a hormonal teenager's either. Now, every time I blink I see it. I see it even when I close my eyes. I see it in my imagination! Okay, so it's not really that bad but it sure does feel like I am carrying mount rushmore around on my cheek. This is not how adult skin is supposed to behave.

Other than the horror and stigma of being a grown woman with a zit my weekend wasn't a complete wash thankfully but it wasn't as good as it could have been. For one thing, I found out on reaching Chicago that the surprise birthday party was actually at a restaurant and the menu had already been set. If I had known before I could have planned better or if it had been at home I could have had something else. Instead, I was pretty much at the mercy of the delicious but greasy choices at the buffet followed by the sugary treats. I was able to restrain myself to only about a third of a slice of the birthday cake and vegetables and chicken and then on Saturday and Sunday I stuck to the snacks and shakes for the most part which was good. Main meals were harder as I was staying with my aunt and food was paninis from Panera or sweets from the Indian market. Yikes! Scary to think that I used to eat like that every time I went home. Scarier still that I didn't really start gaining weight until the PCOS.

Seeing my cousins and relatives again was great though. We stayed up until 3:30 pm on Friday just talking. And then on Saturday we got back from dinner and spent hours watching old movie clips and talking and laughing. It was nice to get all the hugs and to have people look at me like I just waltzed down from the sky. When you are overweight and your self esteem has started to take a hit from other people's and sometimes even your own neglect of yourself some days it is easy to forget that you are worth being loved.

I deliberately don't talk too much about my relationships here a) because it's private and b) because I post under my own name. But let's just say there's this guy I had kind of started to like over the last few weeks. Normally, before, he would have been very interested but this time he kind of blew me off. And I don't know what's worse - knowing why he did what he did or knowing that if things change, that if I catch his eye again after I have lost the weight, I won't be able to see him the same way.

But the thing about a weekend with family is that even when they make you feel bad, make the occasional jokes at your expense, ignore your nutritional requests, give you a giant zit and make you gain .7 lbs, you know that at the end of the day they still love you, they still think you are pretty special and will always be there for you. And you realize you are not willing to settle for anything less from anyone else. As weekends go I can't think of a better one.

As for the rest, as Scarlett said, tomorrow is another day.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you please explain the PCOS to me? Does it happen to everyone??!!

6:38 PM

 
Blogger Sam said...

Anonymous, no it doesn't happen to everyone thankfully. For one, it only occurs in women and a percentage of women at that. It's a condition that causes problems with menstruation (apologies to any male readers), erratic sleep patterns and rapid weight gain etc. It can be hard to diagnose because the individual symptoms are common with a lot of other conditions and the tests can be inconclusive. One is a gyn test and the other is a blood test and sometimes they can be contradictory. If you think you may have it you should talk to your doctor.

10:15 AM

 
Blogger Aleks said...

I understand how you feel. I think no matter what size we're at or get down to, we'll always wonder if a guy "blows us off", if it's because of our weight.

I'm just getting back into dating and I am still self conscious about what I wear and how to make myself look skinnier. I keep trying to tell myself that I should stop comparing myself to girls that are size zero. For some reason, I think all guys are attracted to the skinny girls.

Truth is, I will always like to eat, and I will always struggle to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight. I need to find a guy who can appreciate me at this size, otherwise I'll always try to lose weight to be appealing to the opposite sex.

What I want is to have balance, and to enjoy exercise and eating healthy... for the right reasons. But deep down inside, I just can't help but think that losing weight would help with dating. It's never going to be easy...

11:16 AM

 

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